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The Tin Man
I was looking at the velvet blackness
Of the night sky, at a star
appearing
In the gloom of twilight. Children call such
Wishing stars, for they are first in
breaking
That dark stranglehold of gravelike evening.
Star light, star bright, first star I see
tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might, dear God,
Have the death I wish tonight.
So
I thought while standing transfixed, waiting,
Some time staring from my window
At that first of stars a-twinkle in the night.
Emptiness between the stars attracts me,
Blackened velvet nothingness. There is a
Place beyond the universe, a place so
Lightless, where no light has ever yet
gone.
Fleeing mentally I turned to find it,
That such darkness overtake the cosmic all,
And
the grains of crystal, merest motes of light,
Would wink out one by one and end.
So
I thought while standing transfixed, waiting,
Some time staring from my window
At
that first of stars a-twinkle in the night.
Who
can know my pain? Can you imagine
Endless scope of time with endless wounding?
Think of that now lost to me, all vanished,
As evanescent as dew in sunlight.
Pain, pain, pain, pain, PAIN! In more ways than you
Can imagine is my pain, infinite pain.
Blackness was and is relief to me.
Nothing remains for me, nothing.
So
I thought while standing transfixed, waiting,
Some time staring from my window
At
that first of stars a-twinkle in the night.
Once
the Tin Man, without heart, so clearly
Saw the pain the universe engendered.
For
himself the Tin Man took it sadly.
Still, upon the needful journey he went,
Upon
a quest to gain that which he had
Of old. The Tin Man's oil can went along,
To
limber joints, a balm for his agony.
Where are my oil can and unguents?
So
I thought while standing transfixed, waiting,
Some time staring from my window
At
that first of stars a-twinkle in the night.
But
what wizard exists who can give me
A clockwork heart? And having such a heart,
Would not then my pain be better measured,
As if by ticking, mechanical means?
Shall I wait then for that one who journeys
From beyond the stars to heave me along?
Would that wizard convert my pain into
Cyclic grinding gears and brassworks?
So
I thought while standing transfixed, waiting,
Some time staring from my window
At
that first of stars a-twinkle in the night.
Will
the Tin Man come then, errant knight lost
Forever in blackened twilight, come to
Fight these dragons always eating my soul?
Would I then be like the Grail to holy
Galahad? Or as Elaine to knightly
Lancelot, who wept when he left, cast in
Sorrow? Guenevere am I upon the
Pyre, awaiting that late Tin Man.
So
I thought while standing transfixed, waiting,
Some time staring from my window
At
that first of stars a-twinkle in the night.
Beating hearts feel pain, and clockworks also
Cast the fleeting seconds infinite in timeless
Agony. In hostile darkness cold and
Still, a place where blackness reigns forever,
I
am cast afar on seas so lightless
No late Tin Man can ever find me now.
Darkness overtook him so long before, and
He has fallen, knight to dragon.
So
I thought while standing transfixed, waiting,
Some time staring from my window
At
that first of stars a-twinkle in the night.
Shall it then be that I go now to my
Death, and darkness overtake not just Tin Men,
But
me also? In that place beyond the stars,
Lost beyond all help, and lost in pain of
Soul, I wander. Shall the stars not see then
Death be mine? Oh, flashing brightly he comes,
Tin
Man, he comes, errant Lancelot, he
Comes, oh comes to rescue me now!
So
I knew while standing transfixed, feeling,
Long time staring from my window
At
that Tin Man, a flaming beacon in the night.©
Magvulpes 10-25-99 |